The wise philosopher Homer Simpson once held up his glass and said, “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
Truer words have never been slurred.
Just over a half-century after Russian doctor Gavril Ilizarov discovered the limb-lengthening technique called distraction osteogenesis, which can allow a person with one leg that’s longer than the other to walk correctly, Russian doctors have done it again.
In a move that ironically encourages people to walk less correctly, Russia’s top doctor, Gennadi Onishchenko, is encouraging Russian soccer fans heading to next month’s World Cup qualifier in Wales to drink whiskey to prevent catching the swine flu.
“Welsh whisky is on offer to Russian supporters as a disinfectant,’’ said Alexander Shprygin, the head of Team Russia’s fan club. “This will relieve any symptoms.’‘
So not only will the consumption of Welsh whiskey prevent catching the swine flu, it will relieve symptoms—why didn’t we think of this before? It’s so obvious!
No doubt because of the teetotaller mentality of the British, 110,000 cases of swine flu have been reported by the country’s Health Protection Agency. While only 55 cases have been reported in Russia, where vodka flows like water.
Case closed—provided we’re not talking about a case of scotch.
Having conducted my own research on the topic, I have other findings to share.
Not only will whiskey relieve flu-like symptoms, the lovely potation is quite useful in curing a fear of fighting and of politeness, as well as mitigating any preoccupation with reason and logic.
Those who are constantly being criticized for driving too well may also find a good use for whiskey.
Furthermore—prepare to be shocked—many of said benefits can be found in other beverages such as vodka, tequila, gin and even wine and beer.
Russia’s booze-laden plan to combat the swine flu might not be infallible, but there is a side-benefit. This evening when I go to the pub, I will not be acting out self-destructive tendencies; I will be self-prescribing a preventative measure to maintain good health!
How do like that—I have a health plan after all.
And let me tell you, it’s been a long couple of days, so I’ll be self-medicating my face off.
Now if only we can find a cure for the other terrible epidemic affecting the sports world: idiots who yell, “Get in the hole,” at golf tournaments.
Contact Tom Patrick at