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Hallucinating skateboarder converts imaginary friend

Oh, won't somebody think of the children! If you're like me, a non-skateboarding fully grown adult with no children who has spent countless hours watching MTV's Jackass, you probably can't stop thinking: the skateboarding culture has taught our children t

Oh, won’t somebody think of the children!

If you’re like me, a non-skateboarding fully grown adult with no children who has spent countless hours watching MTV’s Jackass, you probably can’t stop thinking: the skateboarding culture has taught our children to take physical risks that could result in great injury and, in one instance, taught us how to funnel beer up one own’s arse (Jackass the Movie: Part Two)—can there be a downside to this?

At some point we have to face the fact that kids will do the dangerous things they see professional skaterboarders do in order to look really, really cool.

But just when I thought professional skateboarders were the highest echelon of role models that I want my non-existent kids to look up to, I learn of Jereme Rogers.

Last week the 24-year-old athlete was found naked on the roof of his Redondo Beach home deep in the grips of a powerful magic mushroom trip, loudly preaching his religious beliefs to his neighbours.

“He would have fragmented, interrupted conversations with people that weren’t there,” Redondo Beach police Lt. Jim Acquarelli is quoted in several media reports about the incident.

Although he was incoherent, the officers began a dialogue with Rogers about God after noticing the tattoo on his neck that reads, “In God I Trust.”

Rogers’ sermon on the rooftop then came to an end after an officer told him he was a Catholic teacher to gain his trust. When they finally had it, they did the only reasonable thing: jumped him.

Rogers was not charged but was taken to a medical centre for 72 hours of observation. He still might face charges.

“It obviously was not an everyday experience,” said Rogers, who during interviews has claimed God gave him his skateboarding ability. “It was a very out-of-body experience. I’ve never had an experience like that.

“It was obviously something I shouldn’t have done,” he added, as he rolled a marijuana cigarette while sitting on his bed. “It was just something that happened.”

Oh, won’t somebody think of the children!

Where does he get off pulling off a stunt like that? He should give it a little more thought next time before he inadvertently influences our children to believe it’s all right for them to push their religion onto others and try to convert them—imaginary people or not!

This is where we put our foot down and tell professional skateboarders everywhere: stop trying to convert us and our children to your various religions, however nice and soul saving they may be.

What if I want my children to be raised atheist? Worst of all, they fit the description of Rogers’ target demographic: imaginary.

Let us not forget, by being a professional athlete he is automatically a role model to children. That must be true because that’s what every sports-pundit says whenever a pro-athlete gets arrested. Think about it.

And let’s not forget the other thing—some of you might not have picked up on this—drugs are illegal, so you know they must be bad.

Psychedelic mushrooms have been known to make people laugh uncontrollably—that’s right, uncontrollably! And marijuana use has been linked to short-term memory loss.

Oh, won’t somebody think of the ... um ... Oh yeah—

the children!

I thank God, er, Buddha—no, it can’t be religious. Pepsi!—I’ll go with Pepsi.

I thank Lord Pepsi above that there are sports like baseball, football, wrestling, cycling—actually, it might be quicker to list the sports not tangled in steroid controversies—in which professional athletes tell our children through example, if you’re going to use drugs, it should be done to cheat and for profit.

Just like Jesus intended.

Contact Tom Patrick at