Skip to content

Doping in the Olympics: let the betting begin

Not only does China supply us with cheap plastic crap and tainted dog food by the ton, the Red Dragon is emerging as a major supplier of…

Not only does China supply us with cheap plastic crap and tainted dog food by the ton, the Red Dragon is emerging as a major supplier of performance-enhancing drugs for Olympic athletes.

And at bargain basement prices too.

Ah, the sweet scent of capitalism — smells like chicken-fried rice.

Take, for example, gene therapy.

Recently, a Chinese doctor was caught peddling the treatment to an athlete.

The proof came through German-run television station ARD.

On Monday, it aired a documentary in which one of its reporters, posing as an Olympic swim coach, got the Chinese doctor to offer the treatment to a fictitious competitor.

The two-week treatment, which consists of injecting stem cells into the body, is offered to the “coach” for $24,000 US.

“It strengthens lung function and stem cells go into the bloodstream and reach the organs,” said the doctor, captured on a hidden camera.

“I recommend four intravenous injections … 40 million stem cells, or double that — the more the better. We also use human growth hormones, but you have to be careful because they are on the doping list.”

Furthermore, the documentary, titled High Flying in Middle Kingdom, also provided evidence that drug firms are offering athletes performance enhancers that have yet to pass clinical tests and the blood-boosting drug, erythropoietin (EPO), all for extremely competitive prices.

One form of steroid that would fetch  6000 ($9556) per 100 grams in Europe, is available for just  150 ($239) in China.

Who cares about uncontrollable fits of anger and shrinking testicles — at that price you’d be stupid not to dope-up!

But don’t worry, it’s unlikely to sully the Olympic experience.

It’s possible China is considering a three-strikes-you’re-out policy.

Just look at one of China’s women’s swim coaches, Xu Huigin.

Huigin has twice been banned — perhaps suspended is a better word — from the sport on doping charges, even though the government’s doping policy calls for a lifetime ban.

So watch, just one more charge and she will be forever banned from the sport for up to three weeks … after the Games are over, of course.

And let’s not discount the importance of history and tradition.

Like most industrialized countries, China has a long history of doping athletes, dating back at least 20 years.

In fact, the German film also documents how swimmer Huang Xiaomin, the 200-metre breaststroke silver medalist in the 1988 Olympics, was fed steroids as a teenager alongside other Chinese competitors.

There is a silver liner in all this, however.

The reporter in the documentary was posing as an American coach.

This means if China’s doctors are willing to offer means of cheating to Americans, they would probably offer them to members of Olympic teams from throughout world … well, maybe not Japan.

Besides, the stem-cell treatment results in increased lung capacity, so it sounds like the doctors are simply doing their jobs.

Not only are they keeping people in good health, they’re advancing athletes to super-human levels. Nietzsche would be so proud.

And consider Beijing’s horrid air quality. (The US Olympic Team is providing all its athletes with facemasks to battle air-pollution.)

Larger lung capacity may be what’s needed to counter the affects of the dense smog.

If your opinion of the Olympics has been tainted by all this doping news, you better get used to it you dim-witted swine.

Performance enhancers are here to stay.

Their developers are always a step ahead of the drug enforcers, so athletes looking for a boost will always be tempted.

Therefore getting them out of sports would be like trying to get sex-scandals out of politics.

So don’t boycott the Olympics. Enjoy this new dimension and gamble heavily.

Here’s what to do: bet on any athlete who travelled to China weeks before the start of the Games for unknown reasons.

When in doubt, bet on any Chinese athlete who’s as barrel-chested as an orangutan and/or has an Adam’s apple the size of an actual apple.

Also, any female athlete with back and chest hair protruding from under her jersey and sporting a voice like James Earl Jones is also a safe bet.