why change if you can change

Dear Uma: I suspect it is upon me, the Change. There are several clues: my temper, historically mellow, has begun to fire up rather dramatically and too often without any real need for pyrotechnics.

Dear Uma:

I suspect it is upon me, the Change. There are several clues: my temper, historically mellow, has begun to fire up rather dramatically and too often without any real need for pyrotechnics. I have become weepy, again a departure from my normal, real self of ironic stoicism, and again triggered by what seem to be trivial events.

The third and final indicator is the sudden sensations of prickly heat I have begun to experience several times a day and which cause me to tear off clothing in a frenzy of weeping rage. Seconds later, chilled, I am piling on blankets, in a frenzy of weeping rage.

There’s more: the tiniest amount of wine causes a fuchsia flag across my face and my hips are swelling like bread dough on the rise.

In an effort to combat all these depressing signs of aging, I recently embarked on a beautification project. The new hairdo was merely the beginning; I am now going to learn the art of making up.

Not making up as in apologizing after a spat, or making amends without apologizing, but the kind that involves painting the face with various tints and powders.

I started down this trail after seeing a magazine ad wherein was asked the age-old question that has puzzled philosophers and scientists alike for hundreds of years:

“Why do you need a formula specifically developed to support upper eyelid integrity?”

Why indeed. In matters of integrity I have endured many a sleepless night in long (usually alcohol-fueled) discussion, but never had I given a moment’s thought to the integrity of my upper eyelids.

But part of my Change will be my willingness to consider everything; to give attention and mindfulness to every aspect of my life.

Reading on, I found that very recently, in a scientific breakthrough that surely must be on a par with genetically modified tomatoes, a formula has been developed to address upper eyelids’ integrity.

It promises to “make your eyes look bigger, brighter, fresher, and captivatingly alive” as opposed to your eyes without integrity which, we are to assume, look small, dull, stale and boringly dead.

I had no idea integrity could have a cosmetic effect! Is the day coming when all integrity will be achieved by the application of a specially developed formula?

No more frustration with political and corporate leaders, simply slather them with the appropriate creams, sprays and unguents. If they will not willingly apply the stuff themselves, it could be thrown on them, like cream pies on high-profile people, or rotten tomatoes on women who wear fur.

Formula duly ordered, I went on, searching for more self-improving potions.

Surme, the Natural Persian Ayurvedic Eyeliner-Enhancer caught my unenhanced eye as I looked through sites that promised less chemically saturated makeup.

Firstly, I will assure the integrity of my upper eyelids, then I will apply Surme.

Surme is beneficial for allergic, tired and sensitive eyes due to its cleansing properties.

It cleans and absorbs toxins from the eyes and protects them from harmful ambient rays. You may not need sunglasses, and your night driving will become clearer, the ad promises.

My eyes are probably quite toxic from all the daytime TV programs I’ve been watching as I Change, so this product is definitely on the must-have list. Although I don’t night drive or wear sunglasses, I suspect I may have to after using Surme.

The ad goes on to say my true natural beauty will be enhanced, and the ‘glorious shine’ of my natural essence will be encouraged.

I am all for enhancing any natural beauty I may have, but find myself hesitating over encouraging the shine of my natural essence. I fear my natural essence is already very shiny from all the junk food fats I devour during my afternoon soaps; it is not something to be encouraged. Actually, I am more in need of a matte finish to my natural essence.

The next two statements fascinated me:

“Applying Surme is very ceremonial. It brings your energy back to your physical body and your attention to the noble now.”

“Surme is unisex. It aligns the female and male energies in you.”

Suddenly I found myself intensely curious as to what exactly this product is; I’d been thinking it was eyeliner, as had been suggested in the caption, but now it sounded like something to be smoked, or eaten.

Well, why not? If they can talk about the integrity of upper eyelids, the ingesting or inhaling of beauty products doesn’t seem so unlikely.

I like it; I like the notion of ceremoniously rolling my eyeliner into some Zig Zag while chanting or humming energy into my unisexy body, all in the noble now.

The final statement sold me:

“If you share Surme with friends, you will turn ordinary meetings into magical, festive, heart-to-heart gatherings.”

Done. I have ordered a quantity of Surme. I don’t know how long one must be in the Change before one is Changed, but I want to have enough Surme to see me through.

I have ordered enough to turn many ordinary meetings into magical, festive, heart-to-heart gatherings and I don’t see why Pete shouldn’t be a part of those get-togethers; after all, Surme is unisex.

I didn’t go much further, to lipsticks, blushers, mascara, etc., etc., because the next site was all about Bridge Companions in those products and there was simply too much information to be read and too many dazzling promises to assimilate in one sitting. I will return, though, to check out critical factors like how to stop my lipstick from ‘feathering’, and the importance of ordering cosmetic brushes that are made from goat hair without harming the goat. The latter are “cruelty free”, a claim that can be made because the hairs are taken from the animal through “special grooming.”

Then there is a world of potions designed to rid the face of all the makeup while softening and invigorating the skin in preparation for cleansing with yet another product.

As I understand it so far, one spends considerable amounts of money and time preparing the face for the many different makeup essentials which also need a large outlay of cash and time. Beautified, one goes out into the world for a few brief heady hours before returning to the looking glass to use yet more money and time in taking it all off.

It’s an amazingly profitable business; billions of dollars being made from the desire of women to be lovely.

Lovely is not something I have aspired to until now and I suspect it may be too late to achieve it, but I am going for upper eyelid integrity and the ceremony of Surme.

I may not be able to make a silk purse out of this sow’s ear, but I can have a very good time, with integrity.

It’s nice to have dealt with the Change so handily; my fears are gone and I am ready to embrace Change. Indeed, I am looking forward to it.



Heather Bennett is a freelance writer

who lives in Watson Lake.

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

Highways and Public Works Minister Richard Mostyn speaks to reporters at a news conference in Whitehorse on Dec. 21, 2017. New ATIPP laws are coming into effect April 1. (Chris Windeyer/Yukon News file)
New access to information laws will take effect April 1

“Our government remains committed to government openness and accountability.”

City council meeting in Whitehorse on Feb. 8. At Whitehorse city council’s March 1 meeting, members were presented with a bylaw that would repeal 10 bylaws deemed to be redundant or out of date. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News file)
Out with the old

Council considers repealing outdated bylaws

A bobcat is used to help clear snow in downtown Whitehorse on Nov. 4. According to Environment Canada, the Yukon has experienced record-breaking precipitation this year. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News file)
Yukon will have “delayed spring” after heavy winter snowfall

After record levels of precipitation, cold spring will delay melt

Yukon RCMP say they’ve received three reports of youth being extorted online. (Black Press file)
Yukon youth being extorted online

Yukon RCMP say they’ve received three reports of youth being extorted on… Continue reading

Fines for contravening the fire ban start at $1,150 and could go as high as $100,000. File photo
Yukon campgrounds will open on May 1 this year. (Black Press file)
Yukon campgrounds to open early

Yukon campgrounds will open on May 1 this year. The early opening… Continue reading

A man walks passed the polling place sign at city hall in Whitehorse on Oct. 18, 2018. The City of Whitehorse is preparing for a pandemic-era election this October with a number of measures proposed to address COVID-19 restrictions. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News file)
City gets set for Oct. 21 municipal election

Elections procedures bylaw comes forward

A rendering of the Normandy Manor seniors housing facility. (Photo courtesy KBC Developments)
Work on seniors housing project moves forward

Funding announced for Normandy Manor

Tom Ullyett, pictured, is the first Yukoner to receive the Louis St-Laurent Award of Excellence from the Canadian Bar Association for his work as a community builder and mentor in the territory. (Gabrielle Plonka/Yukon News)
Tom Ullyett wins lifetime achievement award from the Canadian Bar Association

Ullyett has worked in the Yukon’s justice ecosystem for 36 years as a public sector lawyer and mentor

The Blood Ties outreach van will now run seven nights a week, thanks to a boost in government funding. Logan Godin, coordinator, and Jesse Whelen, harm reduction counsellor, are seen here on May 12, 2020. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News file)
Blood Ties outreach van running seven nights a week with funding boost

The Yukon government is ramping up overdose response, considering safe supply plan

Ranj Pillai speaks to media about business relief programs in Whitehorse on April 1, 2020. The Yukon government announced Feb.25 that it will extend business support programs until September. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News)
Government extends business relief programs to September, launches new loan

“It really gives folks some help with supporting their business with cash flow.”

Whitehorse City Hall. (Joel Krahn/Yukon News file)
A look at decisions made by Whitehorse City Council this week

Bylaw amendment Whitehorse city council is moving closer with changes to a… Continue reading

Susie Rogan is a veteran musher with 14 years of racing experience and Yukon Journey organizer. (Yukon Journey Facebook)
Yukon Journey mushers begin 255-mile race

Eleven mushers are participating in the race from Pelly Crossing to Whitehorse

Legislative assembly on the last day of the fall sitting in Whitehorse on Nov. 22, 2018. As the legislature prepares to return on March 4, the three parties are continuing to finalize candidates in the territory’s 19 ridings. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News file)
Nine new candidates confirmed in Yukon ridings

It has been a busy two weeks as the parties try to firm up candidates

Most Read