tough olympic decisions made easy

With the approach of the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games, and its inevitable massive financial drain on Canada's economy, other cities are vying to be to the next Athens, Greece, which spent years paying off the debt created by hosting the 2004 Games, by hos

With the approach of the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games, and its inevitable massive financial drain on Canada’s economy, other cities are vying to be to the next Athens, Greece, which spent years paying off the debt created by hosting the 2004 Games, by hosting the 2016 Summer Games.

A number of sports are also hoping to get their balls on the court, to join such hugely anticipated events as handball, fencing and something called the modern pentathlon. In fact, seven sports are fighting for two available spots.

Needless to say, there are a lot to questions to be answered. Lucky for you, the Olympic organizing committee and the entire human race in general, here are some answers produced by minute upon minute of internet research, which are sure to be enlightening, exciting, controversial and grossly nonsensical.

Here we go.

The decision process for who will host the event is now in its final stage, with just Tokyo, Madrid, Chicago and Rio de Janeiro remaining.

So Chicago wants the Games? I don’t think so. How could it possibly be a good idea to hold a javelin competition in a metropolis nicknamed “the windy city”? That would be irresponsible.

Next up: Tokyo. Bad idea. With steroid controversies affecting numerous Olympic events, it would be unwise to make it easier for Japan to plunge the world of athletics into the next sports quagmire: robot athletes posing as humans.

I watch Daily Planet; I’ve seen the lifelike robots Japan is building. Do we want to go from steroids to androids, people!

Common post-medal ceremony question of the future: So (insert name), you’ve just set a new world record and won Olympic gold, let me ask you: You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of sudden you look down and you see a tortoise, you reach down and flip the tortoise on its back, and it can’t get back on its feet without your help, but you’re not helping, why is that? (See: Bladerunner.)

That leaves Rio and Madrid, which is a bit of a toss-up. Rio might have problems with violent crime, but numerous seconds spent on websites have led me to believe Spain is prone to civil war—so Rio it is!

However, there remains one problem: Rio’s famous Christ the Redeemer statue overlooking the city. To make Muslim athletes feel more welcome, the city should erect a similar statue of Mohammed next to it. Call it a hunch, but I think Muslims would be thrilled with the idea of the image of Mohammed being sculpted in stone on a massive scale.

Problem solved.

Turning to the sports trying to get their foot in the door. Golf, karate, squash, baseball, softball, rollersports and rugby sevens are all trying to get in, but which two should get the go-ahead?

I love golf—even when my slice is driving me bonkers—but it should not become an Olympic sport. The PGA schedule is already packed and the Olympics would not be part of the tour. Besides, Tiger Woods winning a gold medal could very well be the final step before world domination.

Karate should also be chopped off the list because the Olympics already has judo and taekwondo.

Baseball and softball should not be considered. The only exciting thing about having either of these sports in the Games would be seeing who wins bronze, because the US and Japan would take gold and silver.

Then there’s the bastardized version of rugby, rugby seven, played with seven players instead of 15. It’s a great sport, but having it in the Games wouldn’t be fair to Americans, who are only used to playing contact sports with more body armour than a medieval knight.

That leaves squash and rollersports.

Squash should get in because it is a growing sport that recently changed its scoring system, making it a faster scoring game—and it’s fun to say. Squash.

Finally, roller sports—which are described as sports that involved rollerblades and skateboards—would be a great addition to the Games because skateboarders, for example, get so little respect, often being passed off as a bunch of stoners. When in reality, professional skaters are amazing athletes who accomplish jaw-dropping feats when they’re not high.

Contact Tom Patrick at

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