The Encyclopedia of Immaturity Even at low volume, the hooting and hollering coming from the television set loudspeakers became a cacophony…

The Encyclopedia of Immaturity

Even at low volume, the hooting and hollering coming from the television set loudspeakers became a cacophony reminiscent of a pack of hounds harrying hares.

The mailman came and opening mail was a welcome distraction from watching the last House of Commons question period of this sitting.

Hope springs eternal, ‘tis said, so I left it on hoping they’d finish with a friendly flourish of harmony as we might expect from the leaders of the land, the “honorable” ladies and gentlemen.

They didn’t!

The first envelope from the mailman was an ad, aimed at file 13 when a title jumped out like a neon light: “The Encyclopedia of Immaturity, a guide for the well-rounded Goof.”

You could probably see the horns coming out of my head as a devilish, unfair and wicked comparison came to mind.

The list of the essays in this encyclopedia from the editors of Klutz for 10- to 13-year-olds, included such erudite essays as “How to hang a spoon from your nose” which became how to hang up the opposition with hapology.

Snorting rubber bands became how to hornswoggle the members opposite. How to break your nose became how to break answers into higgledypiggedly. How to really annoy your older sibling became how to make them look and act as if they’ve just quaffed a hogshead of ale.

Actions speak louder than words ‘tis oft said, and their actions, especially in the televised question period suggest there really is an instruction manual, an Encyclopedia of Hype — a guide to well rounded political spoofs somewhere because it seems illogical all 301 of our MPs could pick up such ham-handed manners off the streets overnight as they appear to do.

Ah, but I still have faith.

I believe they’re doing their level best, our honorable ladies and gentlemen of our Houses on the Hill. Nonetheless I thought they should know that a personal straw poll revealed that, in the 500-channel universe they’re in the trash category along with 99 and 44/100 per cent of TV programming.

Each program, including theirs, is competing with the others to become the program filled with the most hams trying to hamstring other hams like slapstick comedians of the early days of in silent movies, resulting in a downhill slide with quantity galore and quality no more. Actually the silent movies were better, but that’s another story.

Anyway, we do not think that’s where our parliamentarians should be positioned in the TV spectrum, or should want to be, do you?

One elder summed up our survey results when she said, “Guests from other lands tell me their parliaments are chaotic, and just once, as a Canadian, I’d like to be able to turn on question period to show guests from other lands what legislative decorum should really look like. I sure can’t these days.”

Honours are silly toys, and titles but empty names. (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

Jumping to conclusions is dangerous work…

A photographer was assigned to cover forest fires. Get pictures of the heroic work the firefighters do, were the boss’ instructions.

The smoke was heavy, so he asked for a plane so he could move around quickly.

One will be waiting at the airport, he was told, and sure enough a plane was warming up when he arrived.

He jumped in and said, “Let’s go.”

The pilot taxied out and took off. The photographer said to the pilot, “I want you to make some low passes over the fires so I can get some pictures of the firefighters in action on the ground.”

“Why do you want me to do that?” asked the pilot.

 “Didn’t they tell you I’m a photographer for a newspaper and I need to get some close-up shots of the firefighters in action?”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then stammered, “So, what you’re telling me is you’re NOT my flight instructor?”

A tip of the hat, and a Happy Independence Day to our Alaskan neighbours on their big birthday bash.