is there anybody out there

It is so hard to be held accountable these days. I’ve been writing this column for six months, each week crafting my arguments and sculpting my…

It is so hard to be held accountable these days. I’ve been writing this column for six months, each week crafting my arguments and sculpting my words with the patience and precision of a divinely inspired artist on amphetamines.

And to be frank, I’m shocked by the amount of hate mail I have received.

One letter — that’s it!?

What kind of marginally insane things does a columnist have to write to get some disrespect around here?

So, assuming people do occasionally read this, I feel it prudent we have a little sit-down and go over some of the crazy things I’ve written over the last half year.

I jumped in with both feet for my first column way back in June, openly condemning Ultimate Fighting as barbaric (June 18) and arguing that “UFC sits at the very apex of where sports can go before we are no better than the Romans feeding Christians to the lions.” Not a bad start.

Later I argued that Canada must get on the map in competitive hotdog eating, beginning with scholarships, government funded coaches and the creation of a Hot Dog Eating Yukon Association (August 6). You all seemed to agree.

The following week I provided readers with a bevy of creative yet rational golf tips for crappy golfers to better enjoy the game (August 13). My tips included playing with people worse than you because “ridiculing them without mercy is also a good way to bond with the other golfers in your foursome.”

Still, nothing — you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

In the aftermath of a Russian high jumper getting caught drinking vodka and Red Bull during a competition, I argued that in the age of performance enhancing drugs a little booze might balance things out (September 10). And, as I so thoughtfully pointed out, “it’s not like he was competing in the javelin!”

Perhaps most controversial of all, I argued that the LPGA is not making tones of cash because women are not at good at golf as men (September 24). The question I posed was “who would choose to watch Karin Sjodin hit a ball 270 yards over Ernie Els driving one 420?” I wrapped up that fun little pugnacious piece by arguing that men should get paid more in tennis Grand Slams because they play best-of five sets instead of best-of three like the women — equal pay for equal work.

Pissed off yet? Well, there’s more.

When news broke that Canadian hockey teams won’t be allowed to wear the Hockey Canada logo at the Olympics (November 12), I had a great time saying, Who gives a crap — they’re playing for Canada not the Canadian hockey association!

I laughed until I peed a little when I called the new Hockey Night in Canada theme “melodic fecal matter” and claimed to have “heard better crafted music in pornographic films.” (October 15)

Even I thought I was twisted when I called Fidel Castro the “best sports journalist ever.” (August 27)

Hell, I questioned my own sanity (and sobriety) when at the start of his armed robbery trial I even stood up for OJ Simpson — for OJ! I’m a sick, sick man.

And after all my dubious rants the only trace of fire I’ve received from the public is when I wrote about Michael Vick filing for bankruptcy from prison. On the topic of Vick, who is currently serving a 23-month sentence for bankrolling a dog-fighting ring, I stated: “In my eyes, Vick did something completely unforgivable: he wasted lots and lots of money.”

Apparently one reader did not fully share in my humour.

Sarcasm or not this story should not have been printed. You want to talk about money abuse what about the money it took to print that piece of shit story. Thousands of animals pointlessly die every day for what ever reasons and here you are mocking them … I’m absolutely ashamed that this was printed in the “YUKON” news … not really surprised at all….

Yours hatefully,

Angry Reader

Well, Mr. Reader — do you mind if I call you Angry?

Well, Angry, you sir are a true hero to me. I’m not sure why Yukon is in quotations and capitals, but I sure appreciate your candor just the same.

Just when I started to think no one was paying much attention — or reading period — you took the time to write this lovely, heartfelt note, which kept me motivated for weeks.

But the rest of you leave me no choice. Take this:

NASCAR is Formula One for people who were dropped on their heads as infants. The new Russian Continental Hockey League IS a threat to the NHL. Fictional boxer Rocky Balboa would take Muhammed Ali in five rounds. Barry Bonds never took steroids. And the reason the Toronto Maple Leafs can’t win the Cup is because Darryl Sittler made a pact with the devil in exchange for a 10-point game.

Let me have it.

Contact Tom Patrick at

tomp@yukon-news.com

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