ah the pipes are a calling…hockey fans

Hockey fans nationwide received an early Christmas gift Saturday. With jerseys donned and beers in hand, Canadians were introduced to Hockey Night in…

Hockey fans nationwide received an early Christmas gift Saturday. With jerseys donned and beers in hand, Canadians were introduced to Hockey Night in Canada’s new theme, Canadian Gold.

Simply put, the song blows. I mean, of course, there are bagpipes in it! (That’s how you play bagpipes; you blow ‘em.)

These bagpipes really blow! So do the horns, for that matter — boy, those horns blow.

Without exaggeration, Canadian Gold is the greatest musical achievement since the release of Celine Dion’s The Colour of My Love. Or since Rush got that chick to sing for them … what’s her name, Betty Lee?

It was like hearing the voice of God; I can now die happy; tears sprang from my tear ducts like … like …

Crap! I can usually maintain sarcastic tones for my weekly 800 words, but if I keep this up I might develop a tumor or become diabetic.

The tune is pathetic — I’ve heard better crafted music in pornographic films.

If the CBC received 14,685 entries and that was the best we could do, maybe we really should be concerned with cuts to arts funding in this country. We obviously need all the help we can get.

And why didn’t we just go with Stompin’ Tom’s Good Ol’ Hockey Game and be done with it? Tom’s Canadian, his song is fun, catchy and specifically about hockey, and half the country already knows the lyrics!

Canadian Gold sounds like music played over a training montage in a cheap ‘80s flick. Granted, it does contain a few whiffs of the themes from MacGyver and the A-Team — both very cool — but it gets my heart pumping like, well, Strychnine.

Worse, as I write this Canadians are going to the polls in a national election, and each time I listen to the new theme (which is a lot since it is so forgettable that I can’t recall a note seconds after hearing it) I’m filled with extreme trepidation.

If this is the music Canadians chose for our premier sports broadcast, I expect to wake up tomorrow to learn that we somehow elected George W. Bush as our next prime minister.

But since democracy’s biggest flaw is entrusting people to make sound decisions, I’m really not surprised that we now must listen to that train wreck every Saturday.

However, even after hearing this melodious fecal matter, I still stand by CBC’s decision not to buy the rights of the original theme for $3 million.

The CBC is government funded. To spend $3 million on a song would be ridiculous, especially when there are other government initiatives that could use the money.

And it’s not like the theme will never be heard again. Under its new adoptive parent, TSN, the theme will still be played before televised hockey games. Hell, the theme will soon have ties to Olympic hockey, come 2010!

I will admit Canadian Gold will be considered a quasi-Canadian anthem, as the original was often deemed.

It’s bland to the point of being indescribable, and will be mocked by Americans. Just like us.