and then there were thousands of them… The rages are upon us. We’ve had road rage since the Model T hit the gravel, though we…

and then there were thousands of them…

The rages are upon us.

We’ve had road rage since the Model T hit the gravel, though we didn’t have spin doctors to coin words and phrases to keep their pronouncements terse and to the point. Sure, they’re catchy and get the message, and the image through to those they hope to sway.

Hence air rage, parking rage, trolley rage, grocery-store rage, pedestrian rage, hockey rage, and when Eastern Canadians got their toques in a tizzy we added snow rage.

Boy, if curling rage ever twists their knickers we’d better circle the wagons, eh? Mind you, we can always apologize; it’s the in thing, everybody’s doing it. Do you think Waugh will?

Not to be outdone, a Fox News headline last Friday gave us a new rage. “Woman charged with ‘line rage’ beating at Disney World.” 

Apparently ‘twas a typical line-up tale, where one woman accused another of cutting into the front of the line at the Mad-Tea-Cup ride at Disney World.

“Next thing I know, I was pinned between the teacup and the saucer and she kept beating me,” the victim said. Jury selection for the Tea-Cup-Madness trial begins in April.

Flipping your lid in line-ups has been with us forever, surely. We lined up at school, at candy stores, popcorn vendors, which was nothing compared to today with hospital line-ups, and on, and on and this is the modern world where none of this would happen, eh?

Google, our ‘Info Demi-God,’ came to the rescue, well sort of … it listed 131,000 more places about rages and cures promised at “whyisevereyonesocranky.com.” 

There it was — the book — there’s always a book isn’t there? The Why Is Everybody Cranky book is guaranteed to save you from the cranky bug. 

It’s all reminiscent of sandbox rage?

Mind you we didn’t call it that. Most good-old-days parents within shouting distance of a neighbourhood sandbox have soothed a toy-shovel bruise or tried soothing an upset mom who had just done so, though “it was just children at play.”

For those parents who haven’t known sandbox rage, watch Hill rage on TV, direct from our House on the Hill in Ottawa. Our MPs do a classic imitation of good old days pre-schooler sandbox haranguing and hassling.

Chicken soup rage is on the way too. I know, I’ve got it.

Newfoundland friend Jimmy summed it up so nicely when I mentioned it, “Lord t’underin’ — You’re right, there’s a guru somewhere, with a self-help book, ready to cure every physical and mental ailment known to men, women and sled dogs.

“If you’ve got a knot in your knickers about something,” Jimmy went on, “just go looking for crocuses on a Yukon spring day.

“It’ll smooth your world in a wink, especially if you find a crocus, and hear a robin’s welcoming cheerio. Oh, and if you want an iron clad guarantee of a cranky cure, take a three-year-old by the hand for the walk.”

Have a happy April Fool’s Day …

The top 100 April Fool’s Day hoaxes of all time, according to the Museum of Hoaxes is topped by this one:

“In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop.

“It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree.

“To this the BBC diplomatically replied that they should ‘place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.’”

The other 99 April Fool’s hoaxes add credibility to Barnum’s 1930s theory “there’s a sucker born every minute.” 

Oh, did you read about the little people they’ve discovered. “At first we thought it was a child,” the archeologist said, “but a closer look showed the tiny bones belonged to a full-grown adult just over three feet tall. We had discovered a new kind of human.” Place — the Island of Flores.  

A tip of the hat to spring, peeking around the corner at us!