As the disgraced NFL star OJ Simpson begins his extended stay in a Nevada prison cell, he likely feels deep, utter remorse for the unspeakable act of getting caught.
Possibly, he also feels bad for the crimes too. But the obvious question is … no, not when will a fellow inmate will stick a shiv in the Juice’s abdomen? The obvious question is which of his crimes does he feel guilty for?
My guess is that the murderous swine is finally feeling remorse for the murders of his wife Nichole Brown and Ronald Goldman. Not because they died brutal deaths at his hands, but because the crimes finally came back to bite him in his old flabby ass.
Yes, OJ was probably the subject of snickering at his country club during the ‘90s, with other rich folk bashing him for committing such a heinously blue-collar crime.
This time it’s serious.
Last week the 61-year-old was sentenced to 33 years in prison for the armed robbery of sports memorabilia collectors at a Las Vegas casino/hotel last year.
So why do I say he suddenly regrets killing his ex-wife and Goldman? (You may have noticed that I’m assuming he did it, like most people capable of reason and abstract thought greater than that of a senile lemming. He did, after all, attempt to publish a book titled, If I Did It, in which he gives a detailed description of how he committed the crimes.)
I say he has remorse for the murders because it’s painfully obvious that the judge for his Vegas trial, district court judge Jackie Glass, incorporated his ’94 crimes into last week’s sentencing.
Don’t get me wrong, for all I care OJ can rot behind bars until he rides the Grim Reaper’s Ford Bronco into the great hereafter. But if my suspicions are correct, Glass shouldn’t be judging wet T-shirt contests, no less armed robbery trials.
Let’s look at the facts.
OJ gets 33 years, with no chance for parole for nine years. Co-defendant Clarence “C.J.” Stewart gets 7-and-a-half to 27 years.
Nothing unusual so far.
But looky here, accomplice Michael McClinton, who admits to providing guns for the robbery and possessing one, gets eight years probation.
Walter Alexander, who also carried a gun in the robbery and faced up to six years in prison: four years probation.
Charles Ehrlich and Charles Cashmore, who each faced up to five years in prison: six years and three years probation.
Granted, they had fewer charges and testified against OJ, but the chasm between the sentences dwarfs the Grand Canyon!
Bottom line: OJ’s buds are out on the streets despite being perpetrators of an armed robbery just a year ago.
But I’m sure they learned a lesson: If you’re going to commit a crime that carries a stiff penalty, make sure you do it with a much-hated celebrity that you can testify against, then you’ll be out on the streets in no time.
On the bright side, OJ’s sentence provides him with lots of time to work on a follow-up book about the robbery, Had I Not Done It.
Contact Tom Patrick at firstname.lastname@example.org