OJ, it’s not just for murder anymore

I fell sick and was couch-ridden recently. On Saturday, the only time I managed to break the seal between me and my strategically placed couch…

I fell sick and was couch-ridden recently.

On Saturday, the only time I managed to break the seal between me and my strategically placed couch cushions was when I took a trip to a local high school to inadvertently infect unsuspecting volleyball coaches with whatever hell-spawn of a virus I had.

With the nauseous memories fresh in my mind — although blurred from the quasi-psychedelic experience provided by large doses of Dimetapp — I feel very in tune with what makes me ill.

And what makes me sick today are all the slanderous remarks about OJ Simpson while he’s still on trial for armed robbery in Las Vegas.

The former NFL star is facing a dozen charges, a couple of which could carry a life sentence if he’s convicted.

According to police, last September Simpson and five others stormed a hotel room occupied by sports memorabilia collectors.

OJ, who has admitted involvement in the case, claims he was unaware that guns were involved and that he was simply attempting to retrieve property that is rightfully his.

Although the defence has yet to plead its case, bloggers and pundits are talking as if the case is closed and OJ should be fitted for an orange jumper.

Have you no shame? Or confidence in the US’ legal system?

Let’s hold our judgment for what the courts say.

OK fine, it would seem back in his 1995 murder trial of his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her lover Ronald Goldman, that he had a motive. And that in a subsequent civil case, OJ was found liable for the deaths and ordered to pay a $33.5 million judgment to the victims’ families.

And that there’s only a one in 170 million chance that blood samples found at the scene of the murder weren’t OJ’s. And that blood found on OJ’s socks matched that of Brown’s. And that traces of Simpson’s, Brown’s and Goldman’s blood were found near Simpson’s Bronco. And that OJ’s hair was found on Goldman’s shirt. And the famous leather glove matched a lone right-handed glove on OJ’s property. And that he wrote a book titled If I Did It that gave an in-depth description of the murders, had he committed them, which was later published by Goldman’s family under the name: If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer.

And that friend Mike Gilbert later released his book How I Helped OJ Get Away with Murder in 2008.

So, he may have arranged the interview with memorabilia dealers that were robbed in Vegas. Yeah, he was caught on an audio recording during the robbery. And his cohorts are testifying against him.

And … let’s see, where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah: That swine should get life! He’s obviously guilty.

But, it seems to me that The Juice knows he’ll probably end up with a slap on the wrists at best. Just look at the photos of him smiling and giving two thumbs up while arriving at the courthouse a couple weeks ago. That says either: “I’m so going away for this, and I no longer care,” or “Bite me, world, I’m so getting off on this too.”

Now consider the fact OJ thinks he can get away with murder, because, frankly, he has.

The slimy animal might walk simply because the prosecution seems incapable of litigating its way out of a wet paper bag.

One minute their chief witness, Michael McClinton, who was with OJ during the robbery and has since accepted a plea bargain, is testifying OJ requested some of his five cohorts bring guns. The next he’s saying, after the robbery, OJ was commenting on how there were no guns, as if unaware that McClinton was packing, which McClinton has admitted to.

What the hell? Is every witness to testify against OJ as dim-witted as Kato Kaelin?

If you’re going to testify against OJ, you’d better do it right. Or else he’ll come at you with a knife so quick, you’ll think you’re riding Greyhound.

And the cops: give me a flippin’ break! They were obviously (somehow) born after Simpson’s infamous 1995 trial, or else they wouldn’t chance being caught dicking around on audiotape.

Does the disgraced, N-word dropping sot Mark Fuhrman ring a bell? You know, the LA detective who put the prosecution’s ’95 case into doubt because of his continuous droppings of the N-Bomb on tape?

On the same recording that captured OJ’s voice during the robbery, Lt. Clint Nichols, head of the Las Vegas’ robbery division was heard chuckling with other officers.

“You’re just picking on him because you’re mad about the verdict,” said Nichols, likely referring to the 1995 verdict.

“Yup,” responded crime scene analyst Michael Perkins.

Later when Nicholas exclaimed that Simpson was going to be arrested, Perkins replied: “Oh, good.”

Justice is blind, you idiots. Use some damn discretion.

Just as in the ’95 case, hints of bias among investigating officers can, and probably will, be used to pry OJ off the scaffold.

He has pleaded not guilty after all — he won’t be making any deals.

On the bright side, if OJ does get off, he’ll be free to reprise his role as Officer Nordberg in the upcoming fourth installment to the Naked Gun movies.

Contact Tom Patrick at tomp@yukon-news.com