Let’s go out to the ballpark it’s Free Crap Day!

My heart aches for all those poor saps back in the day who actually attended sports events to watch sports.

My heart aches for all those poor saps back in the day who actually attended sports events to watch sports. I mean, what’s the point of going to a baseball game if you don’t get some crap, like a tiny novelty baseball bat with no useful application other than clubbing mice to death?

Bobblehead give-a-ways may be better suited to a seismologist convention, but I have yet to meet someone who would pass up the chance to attend a baseball game to get a free wobbling hunk of plastic to collect dust for years to come—all the while looking like tackiest ornament a single guy’s apartment can hold.

However, this year’s ballpark promotions are getting a little ridiculous.

The promotional give-a-ways and theme days this season are a perfect example of American’s propensity to glamorize some of the worst elements of their society, such as overeating, drinking too much or their preoccupation with bodily functions and celebrity train wrecks.

The West Michigan Whitecaps minor league team has a couple of zany promotions going on.

In their Fifth Third Ballpark, the Whitecaps have built a 12.2-metre toilet plunger behind centrefield to represent how the team “flush(es) away the competition.”

Whenever an inning is ended with a Whitecaps pitcher striking out a batter, the plunger gyrates up and down and squirts out water. Highbrow stuff, huh?

This actually coincides nicely with the ballpark’s other promotion, a 4,800-calorie burger being sold at concession stands. The $20, heart-clogging burger consists of five patties, five slices of cheese and a cup of chilli.

The only thing more ridiculous than fans being drawn to the park for the mammoth burger, is a vegan dietary group calling for warning labels to inform people it’s unhealthy—which is happening.

Yes, let’s do that—right after a warning is printed on vegetarian products that informs the consumer becoming a vegan will make you feel responsible for telling others what to eat! It’s similar to how former smokers are compelled to tell current smokers cigarettes are bad for them, like that tidbit of information has escaped them.

Though the giant burger and plunger complement each other fairly well, the burger would actually go better with another minor league promotion.

At a few Lake Elsinore Storm baseball team home games this season, the first 250 spectators will receive a free sample from Subtle Butt, a “disposable gas neutralizer.”

That’s right, they will be given

a piece of carbon fabric that, when placed in one’s underwear, neutralizes the smell of farts. I’m not just blowing hot air—I mean, I’m not making this up.

OK, so bodily functions are in this year. At least Americans aren’t glorifying freaks of nature.

Whoops. In honour of California’s Nadya Suleman, the minor league Grand Prairie, Texas, AirHogs are hosting Octomom Night. It will feature a Diaper Derby, a stroller race and a “Guess How Many Buns Are in My EZ Bake Oven” game.

Let’s all glamorize this very weird woman’s astounding achievement of getting knocked up with the help of fertility drugs, while already having more kids than she seems capable of caring for!

Oh, wait—I didn’t realize she resembles Angelina Jolie. My mistake. Carry on.

However, crazy-ass promotions are not limited to baseball.

On Tuesday, Phoenix Coyotes fans were given free tickets to the April 7 game against the St. Louis Blues with every purchase of a 26’er of Smirnoff vodka at participating retailers.

This is simply taking advantage of Coyotes fans’ need for the numbing property of alcohol.

I love it! Finally an abuse of people’s alcohol dependency I can get behind.

The only question now is: How much is orange juice at the concession stands?

Contact Tom Patrick at


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