Hallucinating skateboarder converts imaginary friend

Oh, won't somebody think of the children! If you're like me, a non-skateboarding fully grown adult with no children who has spent countless hours watching MTV's Jackass, you probably can't stop thinking: the skateboarding culture has taught our children t

Oh, won’t somebody think of the children!

If you’re like me, a non-skateboarding fully grown adult with no children who has spent countless hours watching MTV’s Jackass, you probably can’t stop thinking: the skateboarding culture has taught our children to take physical risks that could result in great injury and, in one instance, taught us how to funnel beer up one own’s arse (Jackass the Movie: Part Two)—can there be a downside to this?

At some point we have to face the fact that kids will do the dangerous things they see professional skaterboarders do in order to look really, really cool.

But just when I thought professional skateboarders were the highest echelon of role models that I want my non-existent kids to look up to, I learn of Jereme Rogers.

Last week the 24-year-old athlete was found naked on the roof of his Redondo Beach home deep in the grips of a powerful magic mushroom trip, loudly preaching his religious beliefs to his neighbours.

“He would have fragmented, interrupted conversations with people that weren’t there,” Redondo Beach police Lt. Jim Acquarelli is quoted in several media reports about the incident.

Although he was incoherent, the officers began a dialogue with Rogers about God after noticing the tattoo on his neck that reads, “In God I Trust.”

Rogers’ sermon on the rooftop then came to an end after an officer told him he was a Catholic teacher to gain his trust. When they finally had it, they did the only reasonable thing: jumped him.

Rogers was not charged but was taken to a medical centre for 72 hours of observation. He still might face charges.

“It obviously was not an everyday experience,” said Rogers, who during interviews has claimed God gave him his skateboarding ability. “It was a very out-of-body experience. I’ve never had an experience like that.

“It was obviously something I shouldn’t have done,” he added, as he rolled a marijuana cigarette while sitting on his bed. “It was just something that happened.”

Oh, won’t somebody think of the children!

Where does he get off pulling off a stunt like that? He should give it a little more thought next time before he inadvertently influences our children to believe it’s all right for them to push their religion onto others and try to convert them—imaginary people or not!

This is where we put our foot down and tell professional skateboarders everywhere: stop trying to convert us and our children to your various religions, however nice and soul saving they may be.

What if I want my children to be raised atheist? Worst of all, they fit the description of Rogers’ target demographic: imaginary.

Let us not forget, by being a professional athlete he is automatically a role model to children. That must be true because that’s what every sports-pundit says whenever a pro-athlete gets arrested. Think about it.

And let’s not forget the other thing—some of you might not have picked up on this—drugs are illegal, so you know they must be bad.

Psychedelic mushrooms have been known to make people laugh uncontrollably—that’s right, uncontrollably! And marijuana use has been linked to short-term memory loss.

Oh, won’t somebody think of the … um … Oh yeah—

the children!

I thank God, er, Buddha—no, it can’t be religious. Pepsi!—I’ll go with Pepsi.

I thank Lord Pepsi above that there are sports like baseball, football, wrestling, cycling—actually, it might be quicker to list the sports not tangled in steroid controversies—in which professional athletes tell our children through example, if you’re going to use drugs, it should be done to cheat and for profit.

Just like Jesus intended.

Contact Tom Patrick at


Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

Wyatt’s World

Wyatt’s World for March 5, 2021.

City councillor Samson Hartland in Whitehorse on Dec. 3, 2018. Hartland has announced his plans to run for mayor in the Oct. 21 municipal election. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News file)
Councillor sets sights on mayor’s chair

Hartland declares election plans

Premier Sandy Silver speaks to media after delivering the budget in the legislature in Whitehorse on March 4. (Haley Ritchie/Yukon News)
Territorial budget predicts deficit of $12.7 million, reduced pandemic spending in 2021-2022

If recovery goes well, the territory could end up with a very small surplus.

Dawson City RCMP are reporting a break and enter on Feb. 25 after two masked men entered a residence, assaulted a man inside with a weapon and departed. (Black Press file)
Two men arrested after Dawson City home invasion

Dawson City RCMP are reporting a break and enter on Feb. 25.… Continue reading

Highways and Public Works Minister Richard Mostyn speaks to reporters at a news conference in Whitehorse on Dec. 21, 2017. New ATIPP laws are coming into effect April 1. (Chris Windeyer/Yukon News file)
New access to information laws will take effect April 1

“Our government remains committed to government openness and accountability.”

Chief Medical Officer of Health Dr. Brendan Hanley receives his first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine from Public Health Nurse Angie Bartelen at the Yukon Convention Centre Clinic in Whitehorse on March 3. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News)
State of emergency extended for another 90 days

“Now we’re in a situation where we see the finish line.”

Team Yukon athletes wave flags at the 2012 Arctic Winter Games opening ceremony in Whitehorse. The 2022 event in Wood Buffalo, Alta., has been postponed indefinitely. (Justin Kennedy/Yukon News file)
2022 Arctic Winter Games postponed indefinitely

Wood Buffalo, Alta., Host Society committed to rescheduling at a later date

Crews work to clear the South Klondike Highway after an avalanche earlier this week. (Submitted)
South Klondike Highway remains closed due to avalanches

Yukon Avalanche Association recommending backcountry recreators remain vigilant

RCMP Online Crime Reporting website in Whitehorse on March 5. (Haley Ritchie/Yukon News)
Whitehorse RCMP launch online crime reporting

Both a website and Whitehorse RCMP app are now available

A man walks passed the polling place sign at city hall in Whitehorse on Oct. 18, 2018. The City of Whitehorse is preparing for a pandemic-era election this October with a number of measures proposed to address COVID-19 restrictions. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News file)
City gets set for Oct. 21 municipal election

Elections procedures bylaw comes forward

A rendering of the Normandy Manor seniors housing facility. (Photo courtesy KBC Developments)
Work on seniors housing project moves forward

Funding announced for Normandy Manor

Tom Ullyett, pictured, is the first Yukoner to receive the Louis St-Laurent Award of Excellence from the Canadian Bar Association for his work as a community builder and mentor in the territory. (Gabrielle Plonka/Yukon News)
Tom Ullyett wins lifetime achievement award from the Canadian Bar Association

Ullyett has worked in the Yukon’s justice ecosystem for 36 years as a public sector lawyer and mentor

The Blood Ties outreach van will now run seven nights a week, thanks to a boost in government funding. Logan Godin, coordinator, and Jesse Whelen, harm reduction counsellor, are seen here on May 12, 2020. (Crystal Schick/Yukon News file)
Blood Ties outreach van running seven nights a week with funding boost

The Yukon government is ramping up overdose response, considering safe supply plan

Most Read