Scene: Inside Captain Camo’s secret headquarters at Second and Black, in the secure situation room which special drywall renders impervious to surveillance, radiation and common sense.
Captain Camo: “Supremo Steve says we’ve got to fight crime. There’s vandalism, theft, immigration, liberalism, everywhere!”
Captain Camo’s sidekick, Darrenboy: “You’re right Captain Camo! That wave of vandalism downtown! Who broke into the Boys and Girls Club? The animal shelter? Who trashed all those cars at the airport? Someone is targeting Yukoners!”
Captain Camo turns to look thoughtfully out the window, like they teach you in superhero school. Realizing there are no windows in the secure situation room, he chooses a Stephen Harper poster to stare thoughtfully at instead.
“I know,” he says, pounding his leather-clad fist on the table. “My campaign signs! The forces of evil are using boxcutter technology to cut my name out of my signs!”
Darrenboy: “I’ll order some new ones, sir. We’ve got twice as much money as anyone else.”
Captain Camo: “No! Don’t you understand? We’ve got to take a stand against crime! Think of the chloroplast slashed and ruined before its time! It could be welfare cheaters. Illegal immigrants. Or maybe Saddam Hussein or ISIS. Possibly even – bum, bum, bum, bummmmm…. – the NDP!”
Darrenboy: “Sorry you have to provide your own sound effects. I’ve ordered a new ‘bum bum bum bummmm…’ machine.”
Captain Camo ignores the small stuff. “Let’s go,” he cries, grabbing his camo jacket, surveillance camera, handcuffs and Tim Horton’s card.
Scene: behind a bushy willow beside the Alaska Highway. Trucks blow by in the background. The rain pounds the dead dandelions, and a lonely Ryan Leef sign sways in the wind. The raindrops patter the sign, making a noise like MP expense receipts fluttering onto an auditor’s desk.
Darrenboy looks through the Strongman-brand night-vision goggles he ordered from FascistRegime.com. “Someone’s coming. On a purple bike! She’s wearing MEC fleece and Birckenstocks.”
Captain Camo: “I knew it. Progressivegirl!”
Progressivegirl hops off her bike. “Thanks Sancho! Let’s make a difference.”
Captain Camo turns to Darrenboy and whispers: “She talks to her bike!”
Darrenboy, also whispering: “Sancho? Doesn’t she know that Sancho was the name of Don Quixote’s sidekick, not his horse? His trusty steed was actually named Rocinante.”
Captain Camo: “I don’t know what they’re teaching people in Lit 12 at FH Collins these days. I’ll have to fix education when I’m done with crime.” He reflects for a moment. “And talking to your bike is weird. Normal people only talk to their truck.”
Progressivegirl, unaware of the camouflaged duo’s presence, produces a boxcutter and slashes a sign.
Captain Camo leaps out from behind his bush. “Aha! Caught red-handed! Biff! Pow! Bop!”
Progressivegirl: “Why are you saying ‘Biff! Pow! Bop!’?”
Darrenboy: “We don’t have one of those machines that makes the word biff appear in the air like in comic books.”
Captain Camo wrestles Progressivegirl to the ground and pushes her face into the weeds. “Taste dandelion, forces of evil!” he shouts, as he snaps his personally monogrammed handcuffs (also from FascistRegime.com) over her MEC fleece sleeves.
“You’ll never get away with this!” shouts Progressivegirl.
Captain Camo pulls out his cellphone and turns to Darrenboy. “What’s the number for 9-1-1? We’ve got to call the RCMP ASAP!”
Darrenboy: “But what if it’s one of the RCMP guys who knows you from when you worked there?”
Captain Camo: “Never mind! And don’t mention my previous work history again!”
Darrenboy: “Not the time you were a conservation officer either?”
Captain Camo: “No! Especially not that one!”
An RCMP squad car with flashing lights pulls up a few minutes later.
Captain Camo: “I’m glad you’re here. Two more minutes with Progressivegirl and she would have talked me into believing in climate change.”
RCMP officer’s thought bubble: “They took me off a real drug investigation for this?”
Captain Camo stands and puts his foot on the prone figure of Progressivegirl. “Darrenboy, take a trophy photo on your iPhone. Just like that dentist with Cecil the lion!”
RCMP officer, still in a thought bubble: “I wish he would skip Parliament and run the Boston Marathon more often.”
Captain Camo and Darrenboy jump in their truck and zoom off to set landmines on the spot where someone keeps driving over another one of his lawn signs.
The RCMP officer and Progressivegirl exchange glances. “That guy is our MP?” they say in unison. “Scary.”
Keith Halliday is a Yukon economist and author of the MacBride Museum’s Aurore of the Yukon series of historical children’s adventure novels. He won this year’s Ma Murray award for best columnist. You can follow him on Channel 9’s “Yukonomist” show or Twitter @hallidaykeith